HEARTACHE

"If I could have a wish, I'd wish for him to feel what I feel each time he takes that sip..."QUOTED BY Ami'D"

I love him, but (yes there is a but) there are his bad habits which I really really hate. I know people says that "Bad habits die hard", but if this habit concerns life and death dosen't that actually matter? Before that, will he see what I am writing here? HELL NO. His to ignorant and dosen't really care. Anyways, this coming May will be our third year of being married and so far marriage life is, still pretty complicated for me. I don't think we even have the chance to actually be husband and wife as we are separated by the distance. His somewhere out there while I am here. It's been like this since we were dating for the past 9 years and the 10th year we got married so the total years we have been together up to date is almost 13 years. 

I thought I would have been immune about the distance that we are in, but I am not. Each time he visit back home and leaves, my heart breaks. Many of my family and friends as me how do I manage it? And to be more specific they were asking about the sex life, the loneliness, being faithful, the lust and etc etc. Well I always have this principle in life which is "Do others as you want other do to you", so I stick to that. I keep myself occupied with other things like work, my Gay friends, parent, karaoke, reading, movies, outing, shopping, eating, and etc etc. While his doing the same, keeping himself occupied but differently. He drinks and drink and drink and drink as if like there is no tomorrow. And when he gets drunk, his flirty, cheesy, happy, noisy,nasty,jerk,an ass, and ignorant. I know because I've seen this not once, but uncountable. He will always says that he is alright, but I know his not. Whats worst, being distance when he drinks and I am not there. Who knows what goes on there, and the friends that his with are all NOT MARRIED!! When I question him on the phone, he gets mad and turns into this really really big jackass. And again, I get hurt. And as usual he will call me up the next day to apologize. 

 

Several months ago, he was caught in an accident and it almost took his life away. I thought that would actually teach him a lesson.  But no. There was not a single effect on him at all! Each time when he drinks, I will recall the accident on how he almost die, still the same result ZERO!! A friend advised that maybe, I should get pregnant and things will change. So I stop on my pill and tried. and tried again and again and again. I assumed something was wrong with me. So I meet up with a gynecologist, did my pep-smear, check my womb, check my body, check everything basically to get pregnant. And I was told that I am very fertilize and healthy so should not be any problem to get pregnant. So after months trying, still no result. I persuade my husband to get a check up but he refuses.So I meet a friend who specialize on counting sperm, (YES COUNTING SPERM) and told him about my situation, and he ask about my husband. He explains alcohol and reduce the number of sperm and low chances of getting pregnant. When my friend told me that, I was triggered! I told my husband about this, and his reaction was ZERO! So I know my chances of getting pregnant too is Zero. At this hour too his still drinking, because he just hang up on me again. It's hurts.... How much stronger can I be? I love him... That's how strong I can be, we made a vow in church so no matter what I will just have to accept the way it is. Life goes on, either with a baby or not or either his still drinks or not..but life goes on.... In life everything happens for a reason, I hope I can see the reason why my husband still drinks....It hurts...it really does..